Going Postal

Ah, Cory's hallowed day has nearly arrived. The day that I finally fucking snap and slit some useless fuckwad's throat. It nearly happened yesterday.

Let us rewind and review the proceedings.

All was fine and shitty in my world as it usually is and I was in one of my typical condescending prick sort of moods (go figure). I was enroute to speak to a collegue regarding obtaining an address pertaining to a job that required my unique abilities. A certain useless, fat, douchebag manager of another division in the office I work in happened to pass me and thought it pertinent to bark an order for me to help him in some fashion or other. Without missing a beat nor looking at him, I proceeded to disrespect him in front of his perceived subordinates. Now before you judge me, know that said (mis)manager often feels it necessary to disrespect me and my colleagues on a regular basis and shockingly, expects no backlash. Me being who I am, said exactly two words to the aforementioned ass-kissing, cock-smoking, fuckwad.

Those two words were "Bite me".

Those of you that have experienced me when I'm in that sort of mood can envision the condescension that drips from my lips as I speak. At that point two of my coworkers that were witness to the event proceeded to laugh uproariously, which I think may have contributed to the ensuing near melee.

It took the dipshit a FULL 5 minutes to come back and retort. At which point he invaded my personal space (a big no-no) with breath that smelled as if he had just eaten the asshole out of a week old dead moose. I must admit the smell threw me off of my game briefly and if you kiss ass the way he does I guess ingesting a certain amount of feces is inevitable.

With a face as red as a cherry tomato, he proceeded to chastise me on the etiquette of respecting his authority in front of others and then thought it pertinent to threaten me with bodily harm.

By this time my ire was reaching epic proportions, mainly due to the foul odor emanating from his never closing word-hole. I reminded him of the fact that respect is earned not given and he stormed off, most likely to make someone else's life a miserable hell.

Normally I am not a violent person. This is due to many factors, primarily the fact that I do not wish to spend time in prison. When I gathered my wits after recovering from the violent chemical-biological attack on my person that is his breath I decided that now was the time for his life force to be extinguished. Fortunately for me he wasn't in the vicinity when I attempted to trace the route that I thought he might have taken through the shop, so at that point I decided to leave and attend to the business at hand.

An amusing anecdote to the above tale is the fact that he was yelling at me at the time and apparently I spoke in calm, even tones, so most people only heard him blowing a gasket. Now he looks like a clown (more so than he did before) and the fact that I walked away makes me look like a champion.

So in conclusion, be a condescending prick to all of the useless fuckwits you encounter and keep your composure as I almost did and you will look like a superstar. I say as I almost did because apparently the look on my face as I left the shop was something akin to what people expect Satan to look like manifest here on earth.

P.S. Cory, have no worries, the day will come and with the prevalence of camera phones I'm sure the resulting carnage will make it's way to the internet for you to peruse at your leisure.