Home, Home on the Range...

…where the beer and the antidepressants play.

Well folks here I am, back in Saskatoon and boy howdy does it suck. Everything is exactly as I left it. That is to say everything is a big, steaming pile of feces. There are exactly two things to do here, Fuck-All and Nothing, which is why everyone here drinks like a fish. As to why they listen to so goddamned much bow and arrow music, well there are things that even I don’t know (as hard as that may be to believe).

Now you may be asking yourself why I would subject myself to the torture of visiting this particular pee-pee soaked heck hole. I’m here for a funeral (now kiddies, doesn’t that just sound like a barrel of laughs).

I’ve been to more than my fair share of funerals and the common thread among all of them is the totally depressing mood. I think funerals should be a celebration of the decedent’s life, not a bunch of people wallowing in their own misery at the loss of a loved one. Funeral director’s are to blame for this injustice. Funeral homes should be more like a Chuck-E-Cheese. Flashing lights, loud music and some moron dressed up in a mouse suit, now that would certainly liven up the otherwise sombre ceremony.

I’m making this public knowledge. I want my funeral to be held in a place like Crush. No stodgy minister giving the eulogy, I want some asshole like Cory to talk about me (although he’s unlikely to say anything nice, so not Cory maybe someone that may lie a bit). I want a huge motherfucker of a bong at the door. Everyone takes a hit as they come in and then someone hands them the drink of their choice. As for music, I will accept nothing but some bangin’ Hard House and Trance, if there’s any deviation from this plan I will personally haunt the motherfucker(s) responsible.

As far as what to do with my body, fuck throw it in a dumpster and pay some hot broad to lie naked in a casket for the freaks that feel it necessary to have a viewing. Alternatively, have me stuffed and stick me in the corner with a drink and a smoke.

“When you look at it, Life’s a piece of shit. So always look on the bright side of death.” – Monty Python